Randy's Recepticles

We’re in the process of shooting a film and we’re going to have to freeze cum for what I like to think of as "creative semen purposes". We need, for our creative semen purposes, to be able to fuck someone with a frozen hunk of cum, to be able to offer frozen cumsicles, to have cum keep our carbonated beverages cold. We need to make frozen protein icees.

Randy, our 2257-Csar, has been given the task of finding the perfect receptacle for semen collection and freezing.

(A sidenote: I never ever ever ever thought I would have a job where writing the above two paragraphs on company time wouldn’t get my ass utterly fired. The fact that I’m not only NOT fired, but I’m being paid to document these, the actual happenings in the office, well, that makes me want to wrap the whole world up in a towel and just cuddle the damn thing.)

So Randy, armed with the task at hand, made his way to the local sex-toy boutique and bought:

2 hollow pink plastic penises that had attachments which would, if squeezed, fire the penises across the room. This was a great diversion, and I kept trying to get it in Damon's eyes.

1 clear plastic penis pump. We discovered that if you put the business end of a penis pump on a mirror, it will cling to the mirror like a suction cup. It was attached to the office mirror for over an hour before someone realized that we’d forgotten to take it down.

An ice cube tray that made little peckers of ice,

And a gigantic (read: ½ gallon) glass bucket. Now. You figure that even the most tantrically-trained, swollen-balled yogi might, just might rub out a three tablespoon load. According to Google, a half gallon is equal to 128 tablespoons, or, if you’d prefer, 42.67 tantrically-trained, swollen-balled yogis. I figure maybe two people in San Francisco would even respond to a Craigslist ad for tantrically-trained, swollen-balled yogis, and neither of them would be legitimate, meaning that the film that would require Randy’s gigantic glass cum bucket cannot be made in this dimension. Because 42.67 tantrically-trained, swollen-balled yogis equals roughly 128 non-tantrically-trained, freshly-drained, everyday aspiring porn models. And organizing 128 men to get off into a glass bucket at roughly the same time is a Herculean task, and besides, that much cum is kinda gross. Don’t get me wrong. I work at Treasure Island Media- a prerequisite for employment here is a healthy appreciation of jizz. But anything in too large a dose is scary. For instance, one puppy is adorable, but a glass jar filled with 128 puppies is horrifying.

All this despite the fact that what was asked for was a shot glass or a beaker tube. But you have to respect Randy’s vision.

(A sidenote: Randy came up with the term “Man-naise” as a synonym for semen in a recent gang-bang model search. Also, we returned the sex toys to the store we bought them from, and they took them back, no questions asked. Scary, no?)